[sees children crossing a river] Look at these assholes!

Francis

Rita: What's wrong with you?
Jack: I honestly don't know. I'll tell you the next time I see you.

Jack: What did he say?
Peter: He said the train is lost.
Jack: How can a train be lost? It's on rails.

I wonder if the three of us would've been friends in real life. Not as brothers, but as people.

Jack

I love you too, but I'm gonna mace you in the face!

Jack

Nicholas: I'll give you a boost.
Christine: You first.
Nicholas: This isn't an attempt to be gallant. If I don't lift you, how are you going to get there?
Christine: You pull me up.
Nicholas: It's much easier this way. Come on, step up...
Christine: No.
Nicholas: Please...
Christine: I'm not wearing underwear. Okay? There, I said it. Satisfied?
Nicholas: Oh. Fine.

Daniel Schorr: [on TV] There's a tiny camera looking at you right now.
Nicholas: That's impossible.
Daniel Schorr: You're right, impossible. You're having a conversation with your television.

And you really believe that just because you publish children's books, people care about my reputation? You can have pictures of me wearing nipple rings, butt fucking Captain Kangaroo. The only thing they care about is the stock and whether that stock is up or down!

Nicholas

Nicholas: What's that?
Conrad: [signs document] This... is... the bill.
Nicholas: Do you want to split it?
Conrad: [exhales] Oh God yes! I'll take some of that...
[shows Nicholas enormous number at bottom]
Nicholas: [shocked] Oh my God.

New Member Ted: This was the best one ever!
Jim Feingold: [shakes Nicholas' hand] You know, thank God you jumped, because if you didn't, I was supposed to throw you off!

Nicholas: No, what is this? What are you... selling?
Jim Feingold: Oh. It's a game.

They won't leave me alone! I'm a goddamn human piñata!

Conrad

FREE Movie Newsletter